Top # 100+ Jokes Quotes
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. – socrates
Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can’t predict what people will laugh at. – Steven Wright
My husband asked me dress up as a nurse tonight to fulfill his fantasy…that we have Health Insurance!
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” – Claude Pepper
“The gods too are fond of a joke.” – Aristotle
No one dies virgin, in the end.
Marriages are made in heave… truly said… but
Maintenance charges has to be paid in earth..
“Mom, how come you never go outside?”
“I told you, I’m a vampire.” – Allison Bechdel
I grew up in an environment of jokes and sarcasm and puns. I talk that way, so I write that way. – Allan Sloan
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. – Rodney Dangerfield
Life is beautiful if you have a dirty mind.
Nobody can write better jokes putting me down than me. – Garry Shandling
Where there’s a will, there’s a relative. – Ricky Gervais
wise man do not marry twice, cause he is wise.
“All the things I like to do are either illegal, immoral or fattening.”
marriage is a slow poison.
Research has found that because it makes you think positive thoughts, throwing salt over your shoulder can actually prevent bad luck. Or at least give you better luck than the guy behind you. – Jimmy Fallon
Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”
God gave us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends. -Ethel Mumford
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
She- I love you.
Me- Yeah I love me too.
I bet you anything that I can stop gambling right now.
It sometimes seemed to him that for love to work, it had to be fair, that he should tell only half the joke, and she the other half. Otherwise, it would not be love, but something completely else–pity or entertainment, or stand-up comedy.” -Tao Lin
Money is not a problem. The problem is I don’t have any of it.
I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. – Will Rogers
We study to call ourself intelligent.
I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
My mother is the kind of woman you don’t want to be in line behind at the supermarket. She has coupons for coupons. – Chris Rock
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day. – Frank Sinatra
I don’t mind making jokes, but I don’t want to look like one. – Marilyn Monroe
There were two things I used to do to seduce girls: jokes and music. Since I’m not a great pianist, jokes were my thing. – Gad Elmaleh
God created a perfect woman but then he gave her tongue.
“Kissing the frog to get the prince is a waste of a perfectly good frog.” – Jim Benton
At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted? – Zach Galifianakis
“Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.” – Dave Barry
Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. – Benjamin Franklin
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving. – Henny Youngman
I think, therefore I’m single.
One lie can reduce your life by 5 minute.
One smile can increase your life by 10 minutes.
MORAL: Always lie while laughing.. you will gain 5 minute extra life..
A joke is a very serious thing. Yes, it is.. – Winston Churchill
Most jokes state a bitter truth. – Larry Gelbart
“A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents.” – Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me. – Warren Buffett
I heard a myth saying once upon a time there lived a wise women. -Anonymous
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
“If they were the jokes, I was the punch line.” – Kimberly Novosel
My way of fitting in was through jokes and making people laugh. – Carrot Top
Maybe this world is another planet’s hell. – Aldous Huxley
A vegetarian is a person who won’t eat anything that can have children. – David Brenner
A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes. – Ludwig Wittgenstein
“Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don’t laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.”
– Criss Jami
The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.
Monkeys are not smarter then women, they just act intelligent.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. – Lana Turner
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.- Jay Leno
once I met a women wwho could keep a secret, just kidding!
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
– Bill Watterson
Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”
If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works?
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. – Al McGuire
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers.” – Richard Pryor
Students and lawyers are always confident.
Jokes Quotes: Hey there did you like this awesome collection of Jokes Quotes? then feel free to share it with your friends and family!