50+ Funny Quotes About Life
|Funny Quotes About Life|
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
In the morning you beg to sleep more, in the afternoon you are dying to sleep, and at night you refuse to sleep.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
|Funny Quotes About Life love|
Life doesn’t have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
“Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.” -Mignon McLaughlin
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
I consider myself a crayon, I might not be your favorite color but one day you’ll need me to complete your picture.
|what are you doing here, funny quote|
“The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.” -Erma Bombeck
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
God please give me patience, if you give me strength I will just punch them in the face.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” -Will Rogers
Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.
Life isn’t measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the number of moments that take your breath away.
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
If an article is attractive, or useful, or inexpensive, they’ll stop making it tomorrow; if it’s all three, they stopped making it yesterday. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960
A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.
“Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.” -Unknown
The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
I’ve met a lot of hard-boiled eggs in my life, but you – you’re 20 minutes.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
I’m old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway.
For some, life is like a river. It becomes overpowering, uncontrollable and sometimes wild.
“An old dog can learn new tricks. If your enthusiasm has lost its vitality, do everything possible to revive it.”
People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing — that’s why we recommend it daily.” -Zig Ziglar
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
“Life is short. Eat dessert first.”
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Me: For the first time in life, things seem to be getting better. 🙂
Life: LOL, give me a second!
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.” -Abraham Lincoln
“There never was a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him asleep.”
I don’t need a psychiatrist to prod into my personal life and make me tell them all my secrets, I have my friends for that.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Do not listen to those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
“You’ll be richer in the end than a prince, if you’re a friend.
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.” -Bill McGlashen
I’m an idealist. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
”Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.” –Unknown
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